EFB DRAFT RANKINGS

Sunday April 13th, 2008

The Sunday Sermon: From Amen Corner

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by The Biz

Recommended drink while reading this article: Green BLAZER Iced Tea

Potency: Safe to drive after three or four without women or children in the car

crushed ice

1/2 shot Jim Beam

1/2 shot SoCo

fill glass with Arizona green tea

Don't consider yourself a poor judge of character if you assumed I wasn’t well-versed on the short grass, this sort of thing happens all the time. The truth of the matter is I’ve never cleaned up well but my appearance has proven to be rather profitable on the golf course. I mean it’s gotta be pretty embarrassing for my Izod-clad opponents to peel in the clubhouse because they thought "I could use the five strokes." Then again it’s pretty embarrassing that I needed his forty-one dollars as bad as Charlie needed to find that golden ticket in a Wonka Bar. Scoreboard... Life 4, Herm Biz; 1 but I still have home field advantage.

With the Masters here, weekend warriors worldwide will be anxious to shake the dust off their bags and leave their nagging wives and three curtain crawlers to fend for themselves on the home front. I was so thankful for this time of year when I was working as a caddy or a bag-boy at the country clubs in Upstate New York. For the amount of money I would make, the ass-kissing was pretty minimal and to tell you the truth- some of the “Citiots” were actually pretty cool after you learned what cheek they preferred you to caress. I learned quite a few valuable lessons about the game of golf and about people while serving as an M.C. in country club bag rooms, and I would like to share a few of them with you.

1. Don't lie about your handicap. I am the only 4 handicap that ever shot a legitimate 107, but the night before I was mainlining saki half-naked screaming banzi and I woke up next to a Japanese foreign exchange student (gender not included). I don't know what’s worse, the guy who wants to be good at golf so bad that he lies about it or the mushroom bruise that sandbags so he can play in the C Flight of the Club Championship.

2. Don't wear a red shirt on Sunday. If I have to hear one more joker compare himself to "Sunday Tiger" when I just saw him put two in the drink on the par 3 fifth, I might impale him with the shaft of my strong three wood.

3. Payne Stewart and the cast from Newsies looked cool in knickers, you...not so much.

4. You can't cut the corner...no, seriously you can't cut the corner. Take your par and thank the golf gods you had one this round.

5. You tip a waiter...you over-tip your caddy, the kid that cleans your clubs and the cute high school girl slinging beers out of the back of an EZ-GO. And if you want you can give her the whole thing, nobody's gonna tell. But if the kid cleaning your clubs finds out he will probably wipe his *** with your head cover. Trust me on this one.

6. If your wife isn't at least an 18 handicap, she does not need to be in a group teeing off before 9:00 am. More importantly, if you're not a 12 handicap or better you do not need to tee off before 9:00 am. We can work around the fact that your wife is a horrible golfer because her legs look better in shorts than yours do.

7. Never steal honors on the tee. I'll take the bid upstate for hacking off your ankles and making you jump up and down until you are empty for taking my spot on the tee.

8. Don't count how many strokes it took you to get down while you are still on the green. The first time I hit into you: I'll yell fore and apologize, the second time I am definitely aiming for you.

9. If you need a second scorecard to keep track of all the bets you and your boys have happening you are doing it wrong. Skins with garbage is all you need, the rest is just nonsense they publish in Golf Digest to give you something to read on the John.

10. Let’s leave the teaching to the Golf Pro and the driving range. The only thing you are allowed to say is "looks like you aren't keeping your head down." Place your witty comment about that statement here to make yourself feel clever.

I hope my insight makes life a little smoother on the course for all of us this summer. Feel free to share your comments or funny happenings with me during the duration of this column. I look forward to trying to keep you all entertained. Don't hit'em too often

till next time

the biz

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