HIT 'EM WHERE THEY AINT

March 13, 2008

by the Biz'

This week, I’d like to answer a few questions from the peanut gallery before I jump into my NL Central preview. To those wondering where I was found (smartfishes): I was found at about 5:30 am in a bar just outside of Durango, Colorado. I was there on holiday skiing Purgatory and Wolf Creek. It was quite a site to see really. I came to on the bathroom floor and had those little one-inch by one-inch tile imprints on the left side of my face. Apparently when you start drinking SoCo and orange juice at 10:30 in the morning this is how you find yourself nineteen hours later. As for Jeter’s added responsibility- You don't think he is gonna have a little more on his plate with a new coach and some younger guys making it to the big show? I guess the old saying goes: "opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and the other one always stinks" and occasionally some people like a finger in theirs, but I am not here to judge.

With an economy based on the production of beer, consumption of beer, and the police blotter of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel littered with domestic violence arrests; the Brewers making a bid for an October showing put the sequins on the proverbial blue collar of an over-worked and often over-looked city in 2007. A strong pitching rotation and the elastic-only sized waist of Prince Fielder brought the most national attention to Milwaukee since "Roker on the Road" ordered the blue plate special at the Dahmer House of Delicacies. This season the Brewers look to avoid a late-summer slip in their high-heels, and with all the key ingredients still in place they are my pick to win the NL Central.

Peter Gammons should end up in the hospital again after reading this, but I like the pitching staff of the Pirates to shine this year and bring a little glamour back to the diamond in the Steel City. Two young arms in Gorzelanny and Snell just might lead to mill workers rocking a pirate patch with their hard hat (yeah, even the guys with two good eyes). The Pirates are about as offensively potent as I am fat in the underpants, but there is still a chance that Jason Bay isn't as bad as last years stats.

You really have to give it up to the dedication that Chicago Cubs fans display year in and year out. I mean these crazy fuckers made a twelve year old kid into the Henry Hill of fandom, forcing him to enter the witness protection program for fear of death and dismemberment. I'll be honest: I am not tough enough to be a Cubs fan other wise I would be ingesting ungodly amounts of Chicago Dogs and having pointless conversations about Ryne Sandberg and Andre Dawson any chance I was given. Unfortunately I wear $300 jeans, often paint my fingernails and really like the taste of wine coolers; none of which help me meet the requirements of the Cubs Fan Club. Offensively the cubs play out like a moist-dream for fantasy owners, Soriano, Lee, and Ramirez all get an honorable mention, but there are no signs of a NL pennant in the 2008 for our tragic heros of the ivy. By the way, FUK U DO ME! Glad I could get that off my chest.

Having arguably the best hitter in baseball doesn't mean that you team will contend for a championship ring, just like having a lead guitar player that plays a Paul Reed Smith doesn't mean your band is gonna sell as many albums as Santana. The Cardinals are not the NL powerhouse they were a few years ago, with Chris Carpenter rehabing his elbow and Mark Mulder leaving his arm in Oakland the 2008 season looks like a wash for St. Louis fans. Albert Pujols will put up the all-star numbers fantasy owners have grown accustomed to but he’ll be alone on the base paths all season. The Cardinals had their fifteen minutes and now they'll just fall in line behind the new breed of NL contenders

How can something that was once so good get spoiled so fast? The Houston Astros had a pitching rotation that mirrored the power and poise of Rocky Balboa fighting the Siberian Assassin in front of a vodka-fueled, machine-gun-wielding crowd of commies. Now the 'Stros look like Uncle Pauly after a 28 day in-patient rehab stint hosted by John De Lorean. Miguel Tejada and Kaz Matsui are definitely not the answers that Houston fans or fantasy owners are looking for this year. Even when they had a great pitching staff, the offense never held up their end of the deal and that will continue to be the story. Oh well, thanks for inventing astro-turf and shortening the careers of countless great players.

Seth Green filmed a movie in Cincinnati called "Airborne" and in an interview he commented on two things: their chilli and how hard it was not to commit suicide while on location. Now I am not sure whether the movie or the city itself was to blame for this comment, but if it’s any consolation, I liked the movie. I like Cincy as the dark horse to run away with the NL Central, until Dusty Baker finds a away to spoil a of their young talent. Please Dusty, Don’t Hurt ‘Em.

~the biz

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