HIT 'EM WHERE THEY AINT

Feb 26, 2008

by The Biz'

Let's get this out of the way first, I'm that Yankee fan your mother warned you about. If you feel that you have any chance of winning your league this year I would like to fore-warn you that no members from the Boston Red Sox organization are going to be of any help to you. You may slip a five or a ten in the collection plate every Sunday hoping to get your fantasy baseball prayers answered, but I assure you, Jesus can not be bought. Jobu, on the other hand, will be more than happy to tamper with fate for a box of vanilla Dutch cigars and a bottle of Wild Irish Rose. So I decided to charge six dollars and eighty seven cents to my American Express card and make my request. Don't quote me on this, but a pilot with far less aviation skills then John Kennedy Jr will be behind the stick and throttle for the Red Sox first West Coast excursion. The information is out there, take it as you will, but you and I both know that sacrificing a live rooster isn't gonna cleanse the boys from Bean town of this curse.

Don't get me wrong, you guys have a really cool aquarium and thank you for Dennis Leary and The Dropkick Murphy's, but if I have to hear one more jerk-off talk about back to back World Series victories in that stupid sheep-sounding accent I will definitely subscribe to the Heath Ledger recommended daily dosage of prescription medication. Yeah, I just said that. The "that's just Manny being Manny," bloody sock, avenge Buckner b.s. doesn’t fly in this column so lets just keep this relationship on the surface and try and see if we can offer each other any insight to this years fantasy baseball season.

Let's just keep it in the NL East for today.

First off, let’s give it up to the New York Mets for acquiring Johann Santana and making themselves a real contender to win the National League. Mets fans are going to have a really tough time finding excuses this year when they are not wearing their 86' Howard Johnson jerseys in October...again. Come on guys can you really put your love and faith in a team that Matthew Broderick has season tickets for. Don't get me wrong, if he showed up as Ferris Bueller or I could sniff Sarah Jessica Parker's seat after the game I might jump ship and become a fan of the "amazins" but until that time you will always be the other team from New York. I don’t think that as a fantasy owner that Santana's move to the National League will show a dramatic rise in his value, I mean can the guy get any better? Still, he is the first pitcher on my radar come draft day just like last year and the year before that. What can I say; I absolutely adore the silent J in the English language.

The Nationals have a new stadium this year and will probably lose a hundred games so that should keep all the fans of the opposing team coming back and not buying Nationals merchandise. I'll be honest, I was a season ticket holder for the Nationals last year and really fell in love with riding the orange line back to my place in Arlington with the feeling that I was over-charged to constantly witness my home-town team throw up goose eggs on the score board. Number of Nationals on my fantasy roster this year...more goose eggs.

Do Braves fans still do that annoying chop thing? Is Bobby Cox still coaching or alive or what? The Braves are probably the most boring team in baseball yet they get national television coverage for every game. Baseball fans really need to stand up and tell Ted Turner that they have had enough. Instead of Braves games just air re-runs of Family Guy and Friends; it works for ratings the other six months out of the year. The Braves just seem to be a little to old school for the new look NL East, you guys had a hell of a run though.

The Phillies will not contend two years in a row unless they get Lenny Dykstra out of retirement. But they still should be an exciting team to watch, in regards to the rest of the NL East anyway. I would be proud to see Rollins, Howard and Utley donning the jersey of my fantasy league team, they steal bases hit home-runs, hit for average. Just love these three players. Cole Hamels...would draft him for the name alone. Yeah he gave up a few home-runs last year and his ERA could be looked at as suspect but I stand behind his wins from last year and feel that he should improve on those totals. All in all the Phillies will at least make the NL East race interesting again and they have quite a few players with viable fantasy value.

Finally the Florida Marlins. If you have a chance to go see a Marlins game, go. Miami's sports teams suck but whose gonna be all that bummed out about sports when you can pay twelve dollars for a mixed drink and think you have a chance of banging a model in your shitty hotel room. The Marlins will not finish dead last in their division, and will have only the Nationals to thank for that.

The saga shall continue,

the biz

"a couple vodka tonics will get you on your feet again"

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